Do you think it matters who the person is you go into that deep commitment with?
No.
Just that both are willing.
Not even both. One is enough. Even if you both say you want commitment, each will have a different idea of what commitment means.
You talk about staying, right?
I talk about not moving.
OK, but every time I’ve left a relationship it has been beneficial. It was much better that it ended.
What was better? You felt better, that is what was better. So as long as you believe you need a good feeling to be with someone, so long as the ground of a relationship is thoughts and emotions, the ground will change as soon as something is touched in you. If this is the foundation on which we have built our house, the house cannot stand.
Sometimes I had a strong knowing in my belly that I needed not be in that particular relationship. It felt like an intuition.
Where do you experience intuition?
It feels like a massage from deep within me.
And where do you find it; where do you recognize it? Where do you hear that voice?
In my belly.
No.
I don’t understand.
When you have a feeling, who is it recognizing the sensation? Do you really meet it or do you interpret that feeling? There is a feeling in the body; if you just meet this feeling without any interpretation, what does this feeling tell you? If there is no interpreting and no labeling, what does the feeling tell you?
Nothing.
Exactly. This sensation is not speaking with you. What you hear is the interpretation you put on to the feeling. You believe in the interpretation and then it feels as though this interpretation tells you something, according to what you like and what you don’t like. It is your likes and dislikes that are speaking.
That very sensation you are having in the body right now, let us see who is communicating with whom? Again, does that sensation speak to you when you don’t interpret it, when you don’t give it a name?
That’s not what I am talking about. I’m talking about intuition. There’s a difference. Sometimes I just suddenly know something.
Is it intuition? If there has been any psychological process before a decision to go, then you are listening to an interpretation of your feelings; trying to get an answer from it about what is right and what is wrong. Now look at those moments when you left your boyfriend or you made him leave. Was it that everything was fine and the next morning you woke up clear, with no agitation, and said “I’m leaving”?
No.
No, there have been lots of emotions involved, lots of thoughts, lots of pain, a lot of projection. All this came together and you did not know how to meet these sensations. There was a lot of confusion and the only way you knew how to get out of this confusion was to leave. There was a listening to that, so to say, “voice”. But there is no voice, because our emotions don’t speak to us. We speak to them. In a relationship, knowing does not need any thought or any emotion. In a relationship, it knows whether you are living your truth or whether there is a little trick involved. Living your truth means being really willing to face what shows up in you. The trick that stands in the way of this is believing in justifications, believing in the emotions – that they are true – and believing in thoughts. That very knowing knows if you leave because you don’t want to experience some patterns in you or if you just leave. If you leave and there is not the slightest residue in you; if you are perfectly clear of emotional stuff with your partner – complete, no blaming, no bitter taste – then you know it is true knowing: that still, small voice that is free of emotion, free of movement. When there is disagreement, when there is a taking up of a position, then there is a trap. If you think about your ex-boyfriends, are you totally complete with them? Do you feel that they did something wrong or that you did something wrong?
Yes, there is some of that.
That shows that there was some not meeting of a pattern. There is nothing wrong about that, but in each relationship, sooner or later, you have experienced the same; and the pattern will return again and again until you face it. You have not seen the pattern, so you believe in it and you move. If we don’t move when the emotion pops up, in that very friction between the clarity of not moving and all the pressure to go, charcoal turns into a diamond. If we leave when the pressure shows up, the charcoal remains charcoal. Only because we have such a smart mind and we believe our own justifications, do we leave one relationship believing the next one is going to be better.
2 comments:
"Sometimes I had a strong knowing in my belly that I needed not be in that particular relationship. It felt like an intuition."
I never understood anyone's reasons to drop a relationship. Don't you start a relationship for a reason? If you began for a stupid reason, the outcome will naturally be stupid. It is never intuition that tells you to stop. It is your own stupidity that becomes gradually obvious until it is intolerable.
Intuition might tell you to start a relationship, but there is a host of other tendencies in humans that trigger relationships and carry them. Intuition is buried deep under. It is a poorly developed and easily misunderstood faculty.
"If we don't move when the emotion pops up, in that very friction between the clarity of not moving and all the pressure to go, charcoal turns into a diamond. If we leave when the pressure shows up, the charcoal remains charcoal."
Maybe not the most brilliant analogy for a not-so-obvious truth, but it is truth. How many people have understood this and try to live accordingly? Is there one for everyone?
All-in-all, a perfect relationship is a very hard catch, a near-impossibility. Indrawn solitude seems much easier, though most people can't handle that either.
"Indrawn solitude seems much easier, though most people can't handle that either"
No man is an island, as they say. In my previous to last post, I tried to present (roughly) how our brain works, only to show that the process of comparing and contrasting ourselves with others, among other things, is in fact automatic and meant to lead to self-assessment.
"All-in-all, a perfect relationship is a very hard catch, a near-impossibility".
I'd argue that it is a total impossibility. There is no such thing, even among parents and children. But to know it, is to free oneself of illusions. And when you know that there is no perfect relationship, you are left with less justifications to end one.
Of course there is chemistry between people, there is mirroring, there are patterns that play out beautifully together when two people meet. But it's the same with everyone we meet and connect. Thus, the criterion of suitability (if who we meet is more suitable for us than another) feels more like a mind game, in the end.
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