b. Lowering one’s defenses. This has been discussed over and over in this blog and it is essentially a rephrasing of “allowing one’s heart to break”. In connection to romantic love, we may see it is the more beneficial the more it relates to oneself, meaning that the benefits are reaped at the level of oneself and less at the level of interacting with another, as is the common misconception.
c. The focusing of sexuality. Sexuality too is personal. It is believed to bring people together, but it doesn’t do it on its own, cultural conditioning does it.
We may see then that “love” is primarily an internal process – it comes from and returns to the self. Although it is the object of one’s infatuation allegedly receives our attention, in the end it was us and only us behind the scene all along.
“Real love” in connection to another human being is the point where we accept and allow them to be as they are. It is the point where we can afford such an attitude. It is a point of reconciliation with ourselves, first of all, and of inner strength.
c. The focusing of sexuality. Sexuality too is personal. It is believed to bring people together, but it doesn’t do it on its own, cultural conditioning does it.
We may see then that “love” is primarily an internal process – it comes from and returns to the self. Although it is the object of one’s infatuation allegedly receives our attention, in the end it was us and only us behind the scene all along.
“Real love” in connection to another human being is the point where we accept and allow them to be as they are. It is the point where we can afford such an attitude. It is a point of reconciliation with ourselves, first of all, and of inner strength.
6 comments:
Why lower your defences in the name of love? All that it does is to allow a lover who becomes
bored with you or one with ulterior motives a chance to not only break your heart, but break your
spirit in the matter of future loves. Never become so dependent on another person that you can't
walk away from a betrayal or death intact. You needn't give so much of yourself to anyone that it
would render you paralized for an extended length of time if something happened. People say "I
can't live without you"-bullshit-what are you going to do, commit suicide? Speaking of which, the
story of Romeo and Juliet is not the ultimate love story but rather the story of two very
disturbed teens whose codependence was so perverse it ended in a double suicide.
Romantic love is deep, intense and powerful (not to mention passionate). It is shared on a very intimate and interpersonal and sexual relationship. It is more of desire, preference and feelings. But at times the very existence of love is questioned. Some say it is false and meaningless. It says that it never exists, because there has been many instances of hatred and brutality in relationships. The history of our world has witnessed many such events. There has been hatred between brothers, parents and children, sibling rivalry and spouses have failed each other miserably; however, it is not only possible, but imperative to walk away unscathed.
"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
Chogyam Trungpa, Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior, from the chapter "Renunciation and Daring" -
"What the warrior renounces is anything in his experience that is a barrier between himself and others. In other words, renunciation is making yourself more available, more gentle and open to others. Any hesitation about opening yourself to others is removed."
Renunciation explained this way means the same as lowering your defences or guard. Granted, this will make oneself vulnerable. In relation to others, there are two options with one's vulnerability:
- It will be abused
- It will not be abused
Clearly, abusers exist. They are enemies. But with loved ones, a barrier is an obvious obstacle in the relationship, obstructing love. Love must flow freely. The immediate benefit of this practice is learning who is your true friend.
As for enemies, it is good to note that the quote is about the (spiritual) warrior. There is a war. It requires sacrifices and renunciation. Being afraid of abuse is fear all the same as any other form of fear. The true warrior must be fearless. In the practice of voluntary judicious vulnerability, that which is renounced is fear. This allows love to grow to indescribable heights.
Is it clear enough that I completely agree with C? :)
I gave myself to a woman who betrayed me by dying. I would have gladly died in her place, if I could have. I would have died a thousand deaths if... But I reconciled her leaving me and learned to love another just as deeply and completely. How? I hung on to enough sanity because I know she would have wanted me to move on at a time when I wanted to give up. That is the most beautiful and unselfish love that I can imagine; and the worst "broken heart" I ever survived.
@James
I take it then that you understand the valuability of a heart-break. How would you have had such a wonderful experience if you had closed yourself behind defenses and other barriers?
I never said that we are to surrender our power to another, on the contrary. But the power is exactly in leaving ourselves defenseless. What something like that first and foremost requires is radical self-assertiveness, is to be able to stand firmly on your feet. It is like being at the center of the whirling wheel.
PS "I gave myself to a woman who betrayed me by dying". I could speak these exact same words for my mother. How deeply you touched me...
@ersi
I'm so happy that you have come along these same concepts in your readings and that you agree... :)
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