2013-01-02

Understanding

What I really want is to understand. To understand what pain means, what death means, why I have the license to hurt someone and, what's more, why do I do it.

I can't give answers to these questions. No one can. This is why we live our lives "as if" we knew what we're doing and we give any answers that we can - and best serve us. "As if" I knew what I was doing, I started a family. I did so because I've never stopped believing in man; it's my faith in God that it's not as solid, because I needed him to be a good old guy who takes care of his children no matter what and has built a world of justice.

Well, this is not a world of justice. And not a single day goes by that I'm not afraid something unexpected might happen and my family will suffer because of it: call it crisis, war, kidnapping, theft, drugs, car accident, unemployment, anything you want.

There are a million things that happen to people unexpectedly and it's really not that they have caused them, in much the same fashion as the sun shines every day for all, irrespective of whether they have earned it or not. These are two seemingly opposite things that I just can't understand. But it's OK if I don't. The moon will still go round the Earth and the leaves will still fall in the autumn, irrespective of whether I have earned it or not.

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